What I Don’t Deserve

A whisper broke the momentary silence, filling the black room.

“Did you have fun at Easter?”

“Yes!”

I reached over across the bed and grabbed my husband’s arm. After enduring a bedtime routine that started at 7, we thought we would finally get to go bed at 11 after bringing the two trouble-makers in our room, making little pads on the floor with the new blankets their Grammy made. But our three-year-old couldn’t resist the temptation to talk to her brother one more time before finally drifting off to sleep.

Randomly throughout the day Hannah Grace would order me, “Ask me what I did today in church,” and when I would comply, she’d scream, “Jesus is Alive!!!!”

I guess a day with that much excitement, that much candy doesn’t turn off quite so easily. And I have to admit, the frustration I would normally feel if my children were up for four hours after we began bedtime gave way to the warm sensation that filled my heart. The day spent celebrating did me good.

Many days I focus on what I don’t deserve–disobedience, totaled cars, fatigue–and those thoughts are never productive. But this day was different. I was consumed with my unworthiness.

I looked around and saw my parents and siblings, laughing and playing with five young children running around the yard. My heart ached for my sick nephew and my sister and brother-in-law at home with him, missing our celebration. I remembered the image of my husband, vacuuming and setting out chairs as we prepared for the day. And I smiled at the beauty of my two daughters dressed in purple flowing dresses, my son growing tall, but still my little boy in blue.

I don’t deserve this.

And I thought about my deeds that should leave a dark stain on my soul. And,  yet, I am marked white as snow, pure in His sight because of this day, Easter. Of all the blessings I don’t deserve, His gift is the greatest.

Today was different. As I thought about all I don’t deserve, the greatest gift that I don’t deserve, everything was put in perspective. I realized the magnitude of my unworthiness, and my heart was glad.

 

 

 

Linking up with Michelle at Graceful and Jen at Finding Heaven. How did you celebrate Easter? What does Easter mean to you?

 

21 thoughts on “What I Don’t Deserve

  1. What a beautiful family, Jennifer! I have a friend who got into a sinful pattern of telling God all that she "thought" she deserved and complaining that she did not have "it." She told me God stopped her on her tracks one day and told her "You deserve death." And she realized it was true and that is was only by God's amazing grace and mercy she had her life. Praise Him for all the undeserved blessings in our life, including forgiveness!

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  2. My thoughts exactly! My mind was scattered with thoughts yesterday. What a wonderful family time, even though my heart missed Lisa, Mason and Max.
    Wishing Max was there to join in the egg hunt. The food was delish, the family time blessed and the weather… blue sky perfect.
    But, my main thought most of the day was what Pastor Sandy shared so enthusiastically, JESUS has risen indeed!! And b/c of JESUS i look forward to my new home in heaven.

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    1. As your friend Gabby stated concerning a friend hearing from the Lord wlhile complaining,, the only thing we deserve is death. How true! You are blessed, Jennifer. You have 3 beautiful kids and a husband that is loyal, faithful & hard workikng, . You have great in laws that cherish good family ties and have no problem showing their love for y'al. Andf in the event your camera stopped working, they have several available to you on the spot! You have a sister and brother in law that are always there in time of need and a nephew who is just too funny for a three year old. And you have a Mom and Dad just too good lookikng for words although our photos don't tend to back it up. Either that or my eyes are going bad! We love you so much and we are blessed by having Matt for our son in law and 3 healthy, beautiful, well behaved, oops! 3 healthy, beautiful grand children.
      I have a hard time being 100 per cent serious. But count your blessings daughter. I always say when I pray, I have more thanks to the Lord than I have requests because He has truly blessed me
      with my wonderful family and the Risen Christ.

      Love
      your not always totally serious Dad

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      1. Dad, you crack me up. And I don't know if you even realize it, but you typed 'y'all'! I've never heard you say that word in your (many) years of life! Your southern friends would be proud (although, not at your spelling)!I, agree. I have way more blessings than requests. I just need to say them more.

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  3. I'm reading your post, enjoying the pictures, then all of a sudden I realize something…. I know your sister-in-law, Tracey! My son, Jonathan, goes to Bright Beginnings. She & I have become friends over the last 2 years. My goodness, what a small world!

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    1. It IS a small world! I didn't even realize we lived in the same state! 🙂 (or if I did, I forgot. That happens a lot, too)

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  4. Oh, I know what you mean! So much that I don't deserve. Yesterday was proof of that once again for me.

    Lovely pictures — and you have a redhead! A girl! (I have four redheaded sons… I'm a bit partial.)

    A wonderful way to count your blessings. We have so many on the day after Easter, don't we?

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  5. First, I love your dress (and the last picture of your family is PERFECT!) You guys need to get that one framed. Secondly, I had a similar Easter where it didn't exactly go as I would have planned, but by the time the kids were running around finding eggs at a fire station I realized that it really doesn't matter where we are or what we are doing…we were celebrating the Lord together and that is already more than I deserve. Love your posts! SY

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  6. I love your baby's rosy cheeks in the pictures after the egg hunting. I can see that your Easter was amazing and full of more life than daylight.____Blessings, sis!

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  7. I spent so much of my time trying to prove myself worthy. Of course, I didn't succeed. So, I understand about finding joy in not measuring up, in not deserving, about just sitting back and receiving the gift graciously. In a world that demands repayment, it's nice to get something so free.

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    1. Very true–it's not in our culture to receive without the expectation of some kind of payment. Even though I've been a Christian a while and have known that grace is free, I still have to battle the urge to earn my salvation.

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  8. What a blessed family you have! Spending time with your loved ones, what a pleasure and a gift.

    I live 3,000 miles away from mine, so this past weekend, I stayed close to home and just prayed that next year will be the year we will be together.

    Maria

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    1. I'll say a pray with you! You're right–it is a gift to be with family, and thank you for reminding me that time with them shouldn't be taken for granted.

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  9. I love your last line – realizing the magnitude of your unworthiness made your heart glad. I felt the same way over Easter weekend: overwhelmed but so grateful. We spent it with family and it was just right. Thank you for sharing!

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  10. Saw your comment on Amy Sullivan's blog (via Soli deo gloria link up) and had to come pay a visit. I have 3 kids about the same ages of yours.
    Amen to your heart being made glad by your own unworthiness. I think that when we see ourselves in light of our own wretchedness, it makes what Jesus did on the cross that much more meaningful. We are new creations, and we have to remember we are no longer slaves to sin, but remembering who we were when Christ first loved us, is essential. It makes our hearts thankful. It makes them glad, like you said.
    Thanks for sharing!

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  11. LOVE these pictures – and these words. Thanks for your heartfelt reflections – and yes, you're right – you don't deserve the life you have…but then again it isn't about what we deserve, is it? It's about what we're given through the love and mercy of our good God. Happy Eastertide!

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  12. What a fantastic post. I found you through Finding Heaven's Blog Hop. So glad I did.
    I am you newest follower through Networked Blogs. I'll look forward to betting better acquainted.
    Have a blessed week!
    Stefanie

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  13. Such a beautiful family and such beautiful thoughts. I especially love thinking of your daughter screaming "Jesus is Alive!" This made me smile.

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  14. Very well said.
    I am often caught off guard with thoughts of just how much I don't deserve salvation.
    How blessed I am that He found me.
    Pursued me.
    Didn't quit.
    And then I feel compelled to pray that He will do the same for this person. Or that person.
    Or someone else I know that hurts, but won't let Him heal them.

    Anyway…thank you for sharing.
    Very. Well. Said.

    Like

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