A little over a week ago, my mother, sister, our four children, and I made the trip to BabyLand General Hospital in Cleveland, Georgia, home of the Cabbage Patch Kids. We had quite the experience. Below is the letter I would send to the staff of BabyLand General if I were to write them…but I probably won’t.
To the Doctors and Nurses of BabyLand General:
My family and I recently visited your hospital, and I want to thank you for the educational experience. It had been a long time since I saw a baby birthed from a cabbage, and the experience never disappoints.
After my trip, however, I did have a few concerns. Given the fact that your hospital is filled with precious Cabbage Patch children, all eagerly waiting to be adopted and easily victims of being snatched away, I do think you should have a warning on the entrance to your building: Parents, If you are outnumbered in ratio from children to adults, especially children four years of age and under, Do NOT come in these doors! Your children won’t be able to resist the number of Cabbage Patch Kids at their grasp, and you won’t be able to stop them! I realize that warning is a little lengthy and rather specific, but I would’ve appreciated it.
Taking my daughter to BabyLand General was like giving her a drug, spinning her in circles, and then releasing her in a room full of presents on Christmas morning; she did not know where to run, yes run, and I didn’t realize I should’ve worn my athletic shorts. Some of your Cabbage Patch Kids (which of course are all beautiful even though they came from a vegetable) were the exact same size as my toddler, yet my three-year-old had convinced herself that she could carry two at a time.
I apologize if any of your dolls, I mean children, are missing any hair. Sometimes, their hair was the easiest way for my daughter to grab them.
I also apologize if any of your children were missing shoes or other accessories or just missing all together. To be honest, I didn’t appreciate having to supervise your children along with my own. I mean, if I wanted to clean all morning or put on and take off shoes, I could’ve stayed home. And I don’t know if you realize this fact or not, but Cabbage Patch Kids’ feet are not the same size as human children’s feet–your kids’ feet don’t stay in shoes because, well, they’re more like big, round nubs than anything. Please excuse me if I offended you in any way.
And I’m sorry if the four-year-old boy running around, throwing the balls you had for sale, and tackling his cousin was distracting to the staff or the babies. As I mentioned before, I hadn’t realized I was going to be sprinting after my daughter all day long. I tried to get him interested in the dolls, I mean children, but he said they were for girls. I’ve never planted those ideas in his head, I promise. I know children need positive male role models in their life, and I will work on turning my son into one of those role models. He was, however, very pleased with the basketball game, flying helicopter, and stuffed panda bear that you had for sale.
And while I’m apologizing, I also apologize for any ice cream that you may have found on the floor of your clean hospital. However, if I do say so myself, why in the world do you think it is a good idea to have an easily opened ice cream chest right next to where parents and grandparents pay for these newly adopted babies? When my daughter pulled her ice cream bar out of the freezer, I saw a good opportunity to teach her a lesson about stealing by making her pay for the ice cream from her piggy bank and promptly throwing the dessert away. Grammy, on the other hand, saw an opportunity to treat four children to ice cream.
I would’ve made her eat her treat outside, but you see, we were in the middle of the very important adoption procedures. She had to take her oath, which she said with full enthusiasm, by the way, and she had all of the paperwork to fill out. I hope you realize that that paperwork is a tad intimidating for three-year-olds, but I guess so is raising a child.
And one more thing before I close–is there any way to slow down Mother Cabbage’s deliveries? I saw three Cabbage Patch Kids born that day, and my children helped name two. And while all of these births were magical and beautiful and such, they got a little excessive and gave a little too much information. Every time you announced that Mother Cabbage was eight leaves dilated, I hurt. And I’m so happy that she had an ‘easy-otomy’ because I’ll tell you what–there was nothing easy about my episiotomy.
Maybe we were just there forever waiting for a certain three-year-old to decide which child she really loved. Maybe that three-year-old took a really long time because she made her decision based on the shoes that your children were wearing, but I digress. In any event, please give Mother Cabbage my warmest regards for a speedy recovery. I thought having three children in three years was tough; I can’t imagine have three children in three hours. On a side note, if the ‘Imagicillin’ that you are giving her starts to wear off, tell her Percocet should do the trick.
In closing, thank you for opening your hospital to us, even though we definitely disturbed your serene environment. I promise that if we come back many, many years down the road I will have at least one adult, if not two, per child. And while the experience was anything but fun for me, I know it was about making four little children very happy. And one Grammy, too.
Jennifer V. Davis